some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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