last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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