I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
