You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
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