wanna go halves on a baby?
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
