I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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