i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
