I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize