Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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