never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Randomize
