i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize