I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Randomize
