can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
