theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
