i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Randomize
