she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
