I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize
