i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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