i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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