Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize