I'll bet she douches with gravy.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
