You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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