I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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