and next time when you feel me up, do it right
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
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