4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize