I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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