i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Randomize
