How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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