I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
