Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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