This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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