There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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