guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize