why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
