A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
