2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
