I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
So much rum. So many feels.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
