Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
