I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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