Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
