I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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