I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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