My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Randomize
