I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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