I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
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