They should really pass out barf bags in church
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Randomize
