ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
