Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
