I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
