I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
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