Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I love how my cats smell like pot.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
