He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
