In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
