I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
