I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
