Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
