he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
